Spurtnip Cup

Press Release: Spurtnip 2009

2009-11-09T15:40:00.006Z

The footballing world was shaken to it's very periphery today to hear the sad news of Derek "Dele" Webb's shock withdrawal from this year's Spurtnip Cup final. It is understood the industrious non-specific utility player is undergoing knee surgery following an injury sustained after his high profile conversion to rugby union side, Ellingham and Ringwood, earlier in the year. Webb is believed to be one of the first Spurtnipians attempting to switch codes to the oval ball game although team mate Christopher "Whackers" Wakeling is also understood to be in talks with another one of rugby's elite sides. It is not yet known whether Whackers wll be tempted by what an observer has described as "a very interesting and attractive package" but a spokesman for Mr Whackers today stated that his team of advisers would be "thoroughly reviewing" the circumstances around Webb's injury.

Webb's injury is of course a bitter blow to the Shrews who only signed the erratic midfielder last Christmas following a shake up of the woodland teams. Player coach Mark "Debo" Debenham described his feelings as "profoundly and utterly indifferent" when asked to comment on the matter. Webb is known for his clumsy and bullish approach to the game which has resulted with some classic encounters over the years. In particular his clashes with Peter "P'teh" Forson during the inaugural competition made headlines when a number of fans from both sides fainted at the sheer brutality of the collisions. P'teh declined to comment today on the absence of his adversary from the competition but an unnamed source later reported his kevlar shinpad design team had been "relieved".

It is not known how long 28 year old Webb will be sidelined for and whether or not there will be any long term sequelae of his injury. Speculati on that Webb chose to undergo ligament surgery to try improve his goalstriking accuracy is thought to be unfounded. His consultant in Bournemouth said "theoretically I could fuse his knee to try and prevent him kicking the ball so high over the bar every time he shoots but in reality he would be better served with an appointment at spec savers". Ironically Webb is known to wear contact lenses.

So far there has been no comment from the Webb camp(site) in Dorset. A close friend, who preferred not to be named stated "Dele is devastated by the news, particularly as he had hoped to score his first ever goal (or at least hit the crossbar) in this years fixture". Pundits are predicting he is still likely to play a key role in broadcasting the match. This would be welcome news to championship organisers who lost 15 minutes of footage due to a technical (battery) failure last year.

Potential replacements for this years woodland fixture are thought to include Billy Cornish and Neil Snazell although as yet it is thought neither of these high profile and flamboyant sporting icons have been approached. Either way, the Shrew's remain positive about retaining the spot-welded steelwear in this year's encounter, the exact date of which is likely to be confirmed before it happens.

Breaking News

2007-12-21T10:11:00.001Z

News flash. Pre-Spurtnip 2007 Breaking news from the Badgers HQ. Click Video to play.

2006 Match Report goes live...

2007-06-11T23:23:00.000+01:00

The 2006 Match Report is now live. Thanks to Master Williams for his fine words and Mr Lucas von Luke III for the Photo-realistic finger paintings.

2006 Match Report here!

Official Badgers' SpurtnipCup 2006 Song

2006-12-21T11:16:00.000Z

The Lola Cashmens Band' album 'Lick it up for the Cup' released last year and the brand new single '"Goal"-Yeah!' out now.

Available in all good retailers

After the public despair at the drab and insipid official Squirrels FC song by Snow Patrol, "We Are The Woodland", which featured a posh children's choir, The Badgers responded by roping in The Lola Cashmens Band who've enjoyed a string of tip-top rocking pop hits. Speaking on behalf of the Badgers, Mens' commented that The Cashmens Band had "impressed" The Badgers with their unofficial anthem for last year's Spurtnip Cup, "Lick It Up For The Cup" and believes that this will win the coveted "Christmas #1 single" and that this "will inspire" the Bagders to glory.

"GOAL"-yeah! go-go-go-go "goal"- yeah!

"Goal"-Yeah! by The Lola Cashmens Band

I met them in a Sett down in Bluebell wood
Where if you're offered gheyness the response is always, no-ta
N-o-t-a, no-ta
They're good in defence and up for a ruck
And when they bang one in the back of the net we shout "GOAL"-yeah!
G-o-a-l "goal"-yeah! go-go-go-go "goal"- yeah!

Well, they play better football when there is no light
They're nocturnal guys who see in black and white
Oh my "Goal"-yeah! go-go-go-go "goal"-yeah!
With Big Man fit you'll hear no more grunts
They'll be scoring all day against those Squirrel c**ts
Oh my, "GOAL"-yeah! go-go-go-go "goal"- yeah! go-go-go-go "goal"-yeah!

Well after 3 years of hurt they'll put it right
Taking advantage of Teach's height
They made Tie-Rack sign the wedding pre-nup
And said dear boy won't you win us the cup?!
Well I'm not the worlds most masculine mammal
But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a Badger
And so is Po-po
Po-po-po-po Po-po po-po-po-po Po-po
Po-po po-po-po-po Po-po po-po-po-po Po-po

I ran down the left
Waltzed around Jazzy Jeff
Passed it through to Dele
And he scored with his knee
And the ref looked at us and us at him

Well that's the way that I want it to stay
And I always want it to be that way,
C'mon, "goal"-yeah!
Go-go-go-go "goal"-yeah!
Badgers will be winners and Squirrels will be sinners
It's a licked up Spurtnipped up sponsored up Cup by
Gola Go-go-go-go gola

Well I left home just a week or more
And I'd never won the Spurtnip before
Muttab used his eyes while eating some spam
Digging his holes he's gonna make me a man

Well everyone knows that the Badgers are best
And when they trot on the field they put the Squirrels to test
Eat my "goal"-yeah go-go-go-go "goal"-yeah
"goal"-yeah go-go-go-go "goal"-yeah go-go-go-go "goal"-yeah!

Big Ron has spoken

2006-12-20T13:13:00.000Z

The Legandary Big Ron has spoken out on behalf of this years Spurtnip Cup. It is believed that Big Ron ranted for nearly 45 minutes on the splendours of this historic event before sipping some port and stating "I am no Racist, I just love white Canadian Squirrels"

Big Ron, a Squirrel and a tree

Here follows a chosen extract from Ron's speech:

"Well it's that time of year when the old fat man distributes presents to all the little children, no I'm not talking about 'Big Man' Seker, but Father Christmas of course, that's right, it's the festive period and that means only one thing, it's the Spurtnip Cup final!

After some early season meddling by the Badgers the Woodland FA has finally set the date and once again the Stade de Saxham will be graced by the beautiful sight of a bunch of unfit slackers chasing a ball around in the cold on Christmas Eve. There is no finer date in sport, and I for one will be asleep in my comfy chair in front of the fire, desperately waiting for the result to come in.

And on the result, well, I would like to say I think it will be a hotly contested contest of content cunts, but I would just be lying. The Badgers looked promising last season but I just can't see them replicating such high heights again, they just don't have 1% of the skill, commitment, flair, fitness, pace, technical ability, timing, power, strength, tricks or ball control of even a very hungover Squirrel who has not slept in 17 days. And to be honest, they're just ugly as well.

That's right football fans, I will be once again backing the Squirrels to retain the mighty cup and once again be draped in party poppers and cheap Lambrini come the 24th December. I think they know what to do, they create chances, and that's what a team needs, goals. The Badgers may well be able to run around a bit, but once they get into the opposition half they have an uncanny ability to fuck it up, to be blunt about it. So unless Big Man gets his troops organised on the day, puts the big tackles in, pushes up, respects the opposition, defends deep and hopes the ref has a stinker it's going to be a game of two halves, when they need to come out of the traps quickly and dictate the pace at their own, slow, level, not underestimating the Squirrels, absorbing the pressure and counter attacking with pace and skill and some lovely free flowing football.

So in conclusion, who will win the Spurtnip 2006? Well who knows. But it will be the Squirrels."

Big Ron's wife, Samantha has submitted this lovely video previewing this years cup:

Squirrels 8-5, Badgers 30-1

Squirrels revel in 75p takeover talk

2006-12-15T19:00:00.000Z

Squirrel Chiefs have welcomed the news that the Spurtnip Cup Champions are poised for a 75p takeover.

INVESTMENT A PLENTY: (left to right), Rev.Tabio, Bobby Mimms (chairman),

Bob Carolgees (Chief Executive), Garnanzo (Captain) and Debo who's father

Bill stands to gain from the investment.

Wyevale Garden Centre, just off the roundabout on the way to Sainsbury's, confirmed on Monday that they were in talks about a possible buy-out.

"I have talked to the Chairman Bobby Mimms and Chief executive Bob Carolgees about this and I was pleased with what I heard" said Squirrels captain Garnanzo.

"It is always good for a club to have more money and more possibilities."

The Squirrels, three-times Spurtnip champions, have given Wyevales permission to carry out a complete study of the club's financial records ahead of a possible takeover bid. The proposed deal is expected to include 50p to build a new 25 capacity stadium working out at an incredible 2p per seat. Others have argued that it is merely a larger bench, but the Squirrels are keen to show their approval at such developments, and to silence the 'jealous nit-pickers'.

"This is the latest step on the road of finding the long-term investment that the club needs" said team captain Garnanzo.

"This is very important in terms of the proposed new stadium, which is key to plans for the regeneration of the local community"

It is expected that with the new revenue this development is expected to generate, that Bill Debenham, father of Squirrels utility player Debo, hopes to be able to extend his vegetable patch a further 3 feet come spring when the weather picks up again.

"On the pitch, The Squirrels remain focused on winning and, here again, this is all about doing a deal that gives us the long-term resources to do that"

Wyevales spokeperson Mr Alan Boulderdash said: "We hope we can agree a deal for the sake of the fans. It is they who will ultimately benefit from the initial proposal to improve the stadium"

It's all worrying news for the badgers, stated Mark Lawrenson on Saturday nights Five Live. "It is widely accepted that the Squirrels already have a high quality side with many of their players pushing for places in the Woodland Animals All-Star team, which is something the Badgers are struggling to match. These further injections of available cash for development will only bring in more talent from worldwide Squirrel catchment areas, making it even harder for the badgers to compete"

The Badgers refused to comment as they were busy decorating their Christmas trees.

The deal is not expected to be concluded until early next year. Only then we will see the impact this deal may have.

Garnanzo Signing Legitimate

2006-12-15T14:27:00.000Z

The signing of Garnanzo by The Squirrels FC from German club Gestapo United has been a source of controversy throughtout Football for years. In response to recently leaked documents, Garnanzo and Macca have made these official responses.

Garnanzo signs for Squirrels FC

Garnanzo

"I am shocked and over more concerned, at the circulation of this document.

There are a myriad of clear blunders that the wicked, snouted, perpetrator has left as a clear indication of this malicious attempt at a forgery. I would draw attention to, in no particular order (other than the order in which they appear on the page);

a) Any school boy worth his Pro-Set(tm) cards will tell that the Squirrels hail from a massive oak tree near Chedburgh, not Chevington.

b) Whilst Gestapo United do indeed exist, isn't it interesting that once again certain party's look to the distant past, to unhappier times. Clearly things have changed since then, and the bigoted insinuation that Gestapo United are in someway evil is endemic of a problem I thought we had left behind in the "Dark Ages" of football. This saddens me more than any slur on my own character ever could.

c) My name is spelt Harald, not "Harold". Again, even the most feeble-minded student of the game would tell you that.

d) Lastly the frankly pathetic attempts at both mine and the Rt Hon McKinney's signature are laughable blatant fakes, as anyone who owns a copy of my signed autobiography, "Game. Sett... Squirrel?" would surely testify.

Yet again this scandalous piece of libel attempts to sully the exceptional name of an otherwise unblemished record of one Harald Garnanzo, both on and off the pitch."

Macca

"For the record, I never signed that piece of paper, I won't even call it a contract. That looks like something Max Clifford would knock up to get John Leslie off rape charges. I categorically deny any involvement in these dealings and would prefer not to have my good name dragged into this messy episode.

For further information regarding this matter please refer to news item 'Garnanzo's defence weakened'

Raging Bull

2006-12-14T17:35:00.000Z

For 3 years Badgers player Bigman has been the loosing captain at the worlds biggest sporting event, the Spurtnip Cup, and he's not happy!

From the first two games where the Squirrels ran out winners by quite some margin to his fight against his morbid weight problem. Drink & drug fueled trips to Ibiza and Christmas party brawls to a career threatening knee injury. Stories of one night stands and private party's with 'carrier bags' full for weed to allegations of dogging and the epic thriller of Spurtnip 3.

He speaks exclusively to spurtnip.blogspot.com and gives an insight into the madness of the Bigman.

'You punch like you take it up the ass'

The 2005 Spurtnip Cup, your thoughts?

"What a game! We came so close but didn't win. Yeah we had a lot of good things to come out of the game but we didn't win. In the first two Spurtnip's we were well off the pace in terms of football, then last year we closed that gap in a big way, but that was last year."

After the first two games you were slated in the press and by a few of the players including a member of your own team, how do you react to that?

"Well you man up, think of Bobby and down ya pint. I was aware of people writing that i wasn't fit to be captain. But then that's the press and everyones entitled to their own opinion. I've made mistakes but Ibiza was a holiday out season. There were some who said drugs were taken but I've said before that it was all lies and don't forget Squirrels players Jazzy Jeff and Tab were there too. And yes Po Po did call me a fat c*** but so did others."

But you were well out of shape due to drink?

"It's too easy to blame one thing, I'm only human and yeah i like a drink and a pie. But this year will be different, i can promise you that."

Well you certainly look a lot fitter, despite the knee injury.

"Look it's a man's game. The Spurtnip is the toughest game in football and Garnanzo, Muttab and myself have suffered injuries but we fight on. The Badgers as a team are a hell of a lot stronger and fitter than ever before!

I felt I've let the team down with my own fitness so this year I'll prove i can mix it with the best players out there. I'm in the shape of my life and the Squirrels are gonna get the some abuse!"

You mentioned the injured knee but it was reported that you also injured your penis in a drunken one night stand, that along side the drunken Christmas party brawl is hardly the actions of a role model to many youngsters out there.

"(Laughs) Being in the public eye you get a lot of attention, ask any of the players of the Spurtnip Cup. Sure we get a lot of pussy so it's hardly surprising when the odd kiss and tell comes up. If i injure my penis while tapping some ass that can't be helped and it has nothing to do with football. I will say a thank you to my team mate Dele for his guidance and support. Again with the fight it's just one of them things, sometimes trouble finds you. I was at a party chatting to a girl, having a laugh when her boyfriend comes over and head butts me, so i threw a bottle of wine at his head and went for him. F*** him, he asked for that and if he tries it again I'll kill him in the face. You don't f*** with a Badger!"

So despite these things you still continue as Badgers captain.

"Yes, for now. I've had a rocky past but I've put a lot of things behind me. People will always judge you being on the biggest stage. But it's an absolute honour to lead the Badgers. This year everything is on the line for me. There are many players in our team that could lead the team and I'm sure in time they will but for this year you'll see me lead the Badgers out to what I'm sure will be the first of many Spurtnip cup wins. It's time to stand up and be counted and fight for every ball."

So have the crazy antics of your past calmed down now? Even though there are rumour of dogging in the Badger camp?

"I'm 25 now and you mature as a player and a person. Your body changes so you have to adapt your life style which is what I've tried to do. Yes a year ago there was an incident where i was at a party and a carrier bag of weed was bought in for everyone to enjoy but you've got to remember these are people with money who like to indulge in the exotic. Yeah i got mashed but i think we've all got personal demons, mine being drink, drugs and meat but thats behind me now. As far as dogging goes, this is probably another story made up by the Squirrels and leaked to the press. Where's the proof? Where are the photo's?"

This years Spurtnip Cup will be massive, after last years game being such a nail biter how do you see it unfolding?

"After last year when we played so well but lost at the end there were questions we needed to ask ourselves. In terms of fitness but more so our mental toughness. But what last year did do was give us a foundation to build on and that's what we're going to do. We're raring go. Everybody knows how passionate the Badgers are and how passionate the Badgers fans are and when they get behind us it's like we have an extra player out there. It'll be a war alright. As a team we're stronger than ever. We had some things to address and certain things needed to happen for us to get to where we are as a team. The time for talk is over and we can't wait to get out there and prove ourselves. When that whistle blows the Badgers fury will be unleashed! This is OUR year!!!!"

Garnanzo's defence weakened

2006-12-12T15:42:00.000Z

The player transfer of Harold Garnham to The Squirrels FC has up until now been shrouded in a miasma of mystery. However, a leak of this original purchase agreement has casted doubt onto Garnanzo's: "I categorically deny all allegations of perversion/ inappropriate behaviour not befitting a person of my reputation". The contract shows Garnanzo's transfer from a widely criticised German club, who have radical and insidious ideals, to the Squirrels.

A SpokesBigMens for the Badgers was not impressed nor surprised and stated, "Well, indeed. Is it surprising that The Squirrels would stoop so low to get their mitts on the best players around? No, it's not. Is it surprising that this unscroupulous team would sign unscroupulous players? No, it's not. The Badgers know full well to watch their backs and their children when near the Squirrels."

purchase agreement (click image for full-size)

Chad Dukeington

2006-12-12T14:23:00.000Z

Some spiel about THAT goal (2003), taken from ESPN, Chad Dukeington commentating;

"... the soccer sphere falls to Far-Row in the attack zone, he elevates the sphere, swings, fires.... OOOOOOOWWWHHH AWESOME GOAL-STRIKE FAR-ROW! MAXIMUM MESH BUSTER!! 0% probability of a score-block for the Net Minder on that play, Far-Row converts a 16 yard field-net attempt which leaves him 2 and O for the season and 0 to 6 for his rookie year, with a 73.6% Goal-Down appreciation Factor. Surely that must make him Top Draft for the End of Fall MVP..."

Harry the Nazi

2006-12-07T10:19:00.000Z

Click image for full-size article

With the Spurtnip Cup 2006 a mere 17 days away the Squirrels marketing department has been thrown into turmoil. The Sun Newspaper, England, UK has printed these distressing images of the Squirrels' pin up cover boy Harold 'Garnanzo' Garnham in full Nazi uniform. Garnanzo (also known as 'The Prince' due to his regal styling) responded with the following letter,

'Dear Purveyors of Lies,

I was shocked and appalled to read your article entitled "Squirrels Shame". I categorically deny all allegations of perversion/ inappropriate behaviour not befitting a person of my reputation and status, as a pillar of the community.

For the record, yes, I was dressed as a Nazi (a member of Rommel's desert forces, to be precise) on my way to a WWII recreation. Mr Gay's restaurant for vertically challenged members of the community happens to be on the way to the grounds used for the recreation. The last time I checked it was not illegal, or even inappropriate, to recreate one of the greatest desert campaigns ever fought by the Fatherland.

The torrent of four letter abuse of which you allude to was no more than "dear chap, move from one's path." as your so-called correspondent tried to block my route, whilst hurling vile accusations at me and flashing me with his picture-box.

The "jizz soiled cravat" was no more than a used handkerchief that I was tossing towards a public refuse receptacle, when your correspondent deliberately threw himself into its flight path.

My current mental well-being is beyond question, a fact that my current psychiatrist will verily testify.

You are correct to stress that the Bicycleseatgate saga (as you tabloid hacks have dubbed it) is a pure allegation. I am sure you are aware that I have sued the publishing house guilty of printing such defamatory slander.

In short sirs, I wish for a full public retraction and apology of this heinous "news" item or you shall shortly hear from my lawyers.

Good day to you sir,

Sir Harold of Chedburghshire '

The English Football Association has yet to officially sanction any misconduct charges against Mr Garnham. However, fears remain regarding his possible suspension from this years Cup Final.

Spurtnip Cup 2006sponsors Diabetes UK

2006-12-06T16:11:00.000Z

This year The Spurtnip Cup proudly sponsors Diabetes UK.

Over two million people in the UK are suffering from diabetes, a disease that affects the blood sugar levels. Diabetes UK is the largest organisation in the UK working for people with diabetes, funding research, campaigning and helping people live with the condition.

If you would like to help us in supporting Diabetes UK then please donate by clicking here which will re-direct you to a secure site.

Thank you for your support,
Spurtnip.Blogspot.

Spurtnip Cup 2006Weather forecast overview

2006-12-05T17:46:00.000Z

The chances of a snow during the Christmas period have increased as the year has progressed. The possibility of a potent northerly airstream developing during the second half of December is high in my opinion, and this would favour snow showers in northern regions (Bury, Risby, i.e. Badger Country) with the possibility of snow further south (Chedburgh, Depden, i.e Squirrel Territory) also.

Probabilities

Badger areas of the UK are considered to have a 45% chance of snow for the Spurtnip Cup.

Squirrel areas of the UK are considered to have a 35% chance of snow for the Spurtnip Cup.

Ramifications

So what does this means for the teams? If snow does prevail then it is likely to hit the Badgers, who wouldn't be able to dig up grubs and beetles and would struggle moving through the drifts. However, it would suit their 'direct' style of football, where their uncomplicated playing would not be held up.

The squirrels silky passing game would be adversely affected by snowfall, although their treetop lairs and winter stash of supplies would see them through.

Ultimately, there is a 95% chance of a Squirrel victory, with some showers.

By Michael Fiche

Say NO to Wikipedia

2006-12-04T20:28:00.000Z

Here at Spurtnip.blogspot we urge you all to boycott Wikipedia. This scandalous website has removed Spurtnip from its database, describing it as 'nonsense' and branding our intrepid reporter as a peddler of vandalism. Squirrels and Badgers unite against this common enemy and defend the rights of all Spurtnipians.

Spurtnip Wikipedia entry (click image for full size)

Explain your actions Wikipedia (click image for full size)

Deletion Log (click image for full size)

Badgers prison break:Full report

2006-12-04T13:03:00.000Z

Today is a very sad day for the Spurtnip Cup and all Spurtnipians. This respected and loved sporting event has been thrown into termoil. The following newspaper cutting, taken today from The Sun newspaper reveals the shocking scandal.

click image for full-size article

Could this spell the end of the Spurtnip Cup?
Will the Badgers key defender Po-Po ever compete again?
This reporter hopes so...

Spurtnip Cup 2005Official Matchday Magazine

2006-12-04T12:21:00.000Z

In 2005 the Spurtnip Cup grew in stature dramatically, transcending all that had come before. With advertisers paying top dollar for pitch side hoardings and over 10,000 fans arriving for the game it became clear that a Matchday Magazine was required.

This Magazine was supplied free of charge, but has since been spotted changing hands on Ebay for nearly 300 pounds. It is widely believed that West Ham Defender Anton Ferdinand has amassed over 50 copies for his personal collection, although he has yet to comment on this himself.

Please note that although we present to you here unaltered scans of this Magazine, they are the sole ownership of Origin68 and any reproduction is strictly forbidden.

Spurtnip Blog goes live

2006-10-18T18:06:00.000+01:00

Welcome Squirrels, Badgers, Ladies and Gentlemen. For this is the Spurtnip Cup. This is the dawning of a new era, a time for rejoice and well-being. This is the meaning for existence. The Spurtnip Cup Blog is live and will outlive us all. Its legacy cemented within the fabric of time and all right thinking men and women should applaud loudly. Enjoy...