Monday, November 09, 2009

Press Release: Spurtnip 2009

The footballing world was shaken to it's very periphery today to hear the sad news of Derek "Dele" Webb's shock withdrawal from this year's Spurtnip Cup final. It is understood the industrious non-specific utility player is undergoing knee surgery following an injury sustained after his high profile conversion to rugby union side, Ellingham and Ringwood, earlier in the year. Webb is believed to be one of the first Spurtnipians attempting to switch codes to the oval ball game although team mate Christopher "Whackers" Wakeling is also understood to be in talks with another one of rugby's elite sides. It is not yet known whether Whackers wll be tempted by what an observer has described as "a very interesting and attractive package" but a spokesman for Mr Whackers today stated that his team of advisers would be "thoroughly reviewing" the circumstances around Webb's injury.

Webb's injury is of course a bitter blow to the Shrews who only signed the erratic midfielder last Christmas following a shake up of the woodland teams. Player coach Mark "Debo" Debenham described his feelings as "profoundly and utterly indifferent" when asked to comment on the matter. Webb is known for his clumsy and bullish approach to the game which has resulted with some classic encounters over the years. In particular his clashes with Peter "P'teh" Forson during the inaugural competition made headlines when a number of fans from both sides fainted at the sheer brutality of the collisions. P'teh declined to comment today on the absence of his adversary from the competition but an unnamed source later reported his kevlar shinpad design team had been "relieved".

It is not known how long 28 year old Webb will be sidelined for and whether or not there will be any long term sequelae of his injury. Speculati on that Webb chose to undergo ligament surgery to try improve his goalstriking accuracy is thought to be unfounded. His consultant in Bournemouth said "theoretically I could fuse his knee to try and prevent him kicking the ball so high over the bar every time he shoots but in reality he would be better served with an appointment at spec savers". Ironically Webb is known to wear contact lenses.

So far there has been no comment from the Webb camp(site) in Dorset. A close friend, who preferred not to be named stated "Dele is devastated by the news, particularly as he had hoped to score his first ever goal (or at least hit the crossbar) in this years fixture". Pundits are predicting he is still likely to play a key role in broadcasting the match. This would be welcome news to championship organisers who lost 15 minutes of footage due to a technical (battery) failure last year.

Potential replacements for this years woodland fixture are thought to include Billy Cornish and Neil Snazell although as yet it is thought neither of these high profile and flamboyant sporting icons have been approached. Either way, the Shrew's remain positive about retaining the spot-welded steelwear in this year's encounter, the exact date of which is likely to be confirmed before it happens.

Posted at 15:40

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